


The Seven Steps to Successfully Initiating Sex with Your Male Partner

by nekosmuse_archive (nekosmuse)



Category: Without a Trace
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:34:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekosmuse/pseuds/nekosmuse_archive
Summary: Written pre 2005. Posting for archival purposes.A lecture, by John Cleese.Includes sequel.
Relationships: Martin Fitzgerald/Danny Taylor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

Step One: Approach the door.

Now, it is of course important to note that several occurrences must take place before step one can be attempted. In the case of one Martin Fitzgerald, those occurrences are as follows:

Some years ago, Martin's parents, most likely drunk, engaged in an act we simply refer to as intercourse. This intercourse allowed for the fertilization of one egg by one sperm, which together would form the building blocks for life. Now, some nine months later, after much gestation and general discomfort on the part of the mother, a small child, who would later be named after his third removed paternal grandfather, came wriggling and screaming into the world. It is also important to note that this child was a lovely shade of pink-red.

Right.

As the years passed, young Martin spent his time fumbling around, discovering his aptitude for both mathematics and swimming. This is of course irrelevant to step one, but should be included since it was said swimming that led Martin to a revelation that would later shape the course of the rest of his existence.

Boys were far prettier than girls.

Now, of course, had Martin not discovered this random fact, step one would be irrelevant since Martin would have no need to approach any door, metaphorical or otherwise.

Several more years passed, most of these spent fumbling as young adult Martin attempted to find his place in the world. These years were largely spent hiding in a rather large, dark closet that held the faint scent of moth balls. It wasn't until close to his thirtieth naming day that he moved to a new city and met the current object of his desire.

Hence the need for step one.

And so Martin found himself one evening --or rather, late one night since hours tend to bleed away while one is engaging in auto-erotic activities-- staring up the ceiling and pondering how best to woo his coworker. After much tossing and turning, Martin gave up on sleep and climbed out of bed. After sliding into a pair of jeans, one leg at a time, Martin threw on a shirt, grabbed his keys and headed downstairs to hail a cab.

Several more minutes passed before finally the cab arrived at the premises of one Danny Taylor. Martin paid his fare, exited the vehicle, entered the front lobby of Danny's building, climbed onto the elevator and rode it to the sixth floor. This then brings us to present time and step one.

Approach the door.

This is, of course, easier said than done. Aside from the late hour, the hall from the elevator to Danny's front door is exceedingly long, giving Martin far too much time to reconsider. Each step is made with reluctance and by the time Martin actually reaches the door, his earlier courage has all but vanished. Fortunately for Martin, he does indeed make it.

Right then, carrying on.

Step Two: Knock on the door.

This act is carried out with much nervous twitching and several flashbacks to previous failed romance attempts. Contrary to popular belief, the male ego is quite fragile and pursuits of the heart are often made with trepidation. Now, given this nervousness, the first knock is usually so faint it goes unheard. This is not a sign to give up, but rather an indication that one must knock more firmly the second time around.

Also, given the late hour and the propensity for the other party to sleep through the most violent of disturbances, on the odd occasion, several knocks may be necessary. Persistence is the key. Eventually the door will open and step three will come into play.

Step Three: Say something.

This step is quite possibly the most nerve-wracking of all the steps. When suddenly faced with the object of many nights worth of lust, tongues often become tied. If this situation occurs, a good opening line is a compliment. For example; men, in particular, have an odd fascination with ties. For most men the tie is the epitome of their sense of fashion and hence sense of self. This is particularly true in the case of Danny Taylor, and so by complimenting his tie, Martin will not only ensure Danny warms to his sudden presence, but he will also boost Danny's self esteem and provide the ground work for the yet to be discussed step seven.

Unfortunately for Martin, Danny isn't wearing a tie.

"Um..."

Right.

"Martin?"

Be prepared. Step three may take some time, particularly if the party involved hasn't taken the time to pre-prepare an opening line. Remember, compliments still work and can be adapted to the situation.

"I... um, you look nice."

It is also important to remember not to let the 'eyebrow', or the 'smirk' throw you off. Under most situations, the object of your desire will not answer the door wearing only boxer shorts.

Step Four: Enter the premises.

This is of course quite simple if step three is executed well. If this is not the case, as is true for Martin, return to step three and repeat as needed.

"What are you doing here?"

"I um..."

Step three may take even more time.

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by?"

Also note: the above line should not be a question. Again, do not be alarmed by the 'smirk'.

"Do you want to come in?"

Step four is quite possibly the most vindicating of all the steps. It assures the male's place as desirable and allows one to move on to step five.

Step Five: Flirtation.

Flirting paves the way to step six, which will eventually lead to step seven. It is a highly important step and should not be overlooked in any situation. Most people are quite adept at flirtation.

"This is a nice place."

Except, of course, Martin.

Under these situations it may be necessary to abandon flirtation and proceed right to step six.

Step Six: Initiate contact.

This should be preceded by a 'meaningful' look that will indicate the subject's intent. Failure to do this may result in gross misunderstanding and bodily harm. Make eye contact, smile softly and slowly close the distance. Do not, as Martin will demonstrate, move forward with force and focus. Contact should be subtle, tied into flirtation and will set the tone for step seven.

Fortunately for Martin, where his skills lack, Danny's do not. This of course means, as Martin crosses the room, looking more like a knight about to do battle than a knight about to sweep the prince off his feet, Danny has already anticipated Martin's intent and jumps right ahead to step seven.

Step Seven: Initiate Sex.

It is recommended to begin with something simple like kissing. Kissing allows the body to warm to the idea of intimacy and also has the added benefit of feeling rather good. This feeling is heightened considerably when the object of desire pins the subject against wall, fusing their lips together and accentuating the movement of his tongue with some mild hip thrusts and rotations.

For most people, this step will require further effort. When stalled on step seven, simply return to step five and step six, repeating as needed until the door to step seven opens. If you are lucky enough to find yourself wooing an individual such as Danny, these steps can be skipped all together and step seven can be attempted.

It also important to note that this step should be rather long and drawn out. There is no need to skip straight ahead to intercourse, but rather, time should be taken for something we like to call foreplay. Kissing is nice, as is touching and, on the odd occasion, necking. One can then proceed to groping, frottage, blow jobs, finger fucking and finally penetration. Remember, variety is the spice of life. Instinct will guide you here and it is best to take your time.

Now, should step seven be successful, it is important to add an additional step. This step is necessary to ensure step seven will be successful in any future attempts without the bother of working through the first six steps.

Step Eight: Post-coital etiquette.

Here there are several rules that must be followed.

Rule One: Do not leave.

Leaving indicates the subject's desire for what is commonly referred to as a 'one night stand'. While, in some situations, one night stands are quite desirable, in others it is necessary to reaffirm the silent request for additional occurrences of step seven.

Rule Two: Do engage in post coital cuddling.

While most men are tempted to simply roll over and fall asleep, post-sex affection can lead to bonding and increase the chances of continuous encounters and the mass repeating of step seven.

Rule Three: Try not to say anything.

This rule only applies to one Martin Fitzgerald, since it was previously demonstrated that speaking is not his forte. Hence, in order to avoid embarrassment and the off chance of alienating himself from his object of desire, silence may be necessary.

Rule Four: The role of the boyfriend.

Achieving step seven does not automatically earn the subject the right to the title of boyfriend. Should this title be desired, it is necessary to exercise patience. It may also be necessary to perform menial tasks that will slowly elevate status. Some of these tasks include the purchase of hot, caffeinated beverages, or the occasional home made dinner. Dates are another wonderful way to achieve this much coveted position. Remember, it can not be rushed and should be part of a slow build up that includes many uses of step seven.

Should all go as planned, within an acceptable period of time, our Martin will find himself fully entrenched in Danny's life, enjoying daily occurrences of step seven and heading directly for the second phase of the courting process and will soon begin the next seven steps.

The Seven Steps to Falling in Love with Your Male Partner.

Which will be covered in another lecture.


	2. The Layman's Guide to Seducing Special Agent Danny Taylor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to: The Seven Steps to Successfully Initiating Sex With Your Male Partner.

It happens like this:  
  
One Sunday morning Martin wakes to the scent of spring drifting in through his open window. With vivacity he hasn't experienced in years, Martin jumps from the bed, only to find himself showered, shaved and fully dressed before his feet even hit the floor. A strange occurrence, for certain, but Martin doesn't question it.  
  
He's too busy pondering the thought that woke him. The thought is this:  
  
He always gets what he wants.  
  
He wanted to attend Dartmouth. His father protested. Four years later he graduated with honours.  
  
He wanted to join the FBI. His father protested. Six months later he was accepting his first assignment.  
  
He wanted Sam --although, in truth, he wanted the ideal of Sam, which, as it turns out, doesn't exist. She protested. A year later they were dating.  
  
In short, his entire life can be summed up as follows:  
  
Martin wants.  
  
Martin goes after.  
  
Martin gets.  
  
So it's with blinding certainty that Martin finally realizes: he can have Danny.  
  
The rest is simply a matter of seduction.  
  
~*~  
  
Wooing Danny isn't as easy as Martin first assumed, but his mother once told him that anything worth having was worth working for, so Martin keeps trying.  
  
He buys flowers. Danny laughs at him. He flirts. Danny stares at him blankly. He touches. Danny smirks at him. He invades Danny's space. Danny places a hand on his forehead to check his temperature.  
  
After several weeks of failure, Martin decides something drastic is in order, which is how he comes to find himself in a bookstore on Amsterdam Avenue, perusing the self help section and feeling more than just a little inadequate.  
  
The titles staring back at him from their place on the shelf certain don't help matters.  
  
 _Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-By-Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships_  
  
Not at all what he's looking for and Martin shakes his head before moving on to the next.  
  
 _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance_  
  
Even worse than the first and Martin's slightly affronted that such a book even exists.  
  
 _Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate_  
  
Chess analogies? Really, who comes up with these titles?  
  
And here he thought finding a book on wooing his co-worker would be a simple matter. Apparently not.  
  
 _The Layman's Guide to Seducing Special Agent Danny Taylor, by John Cleese._  
  
…  
  
Martin blinks.  
  
Blinks a second time, shaking his head, but the title remains unchanged.  
  
Glances twice over his shoulder, but each time he turns back the title remains unchanged.  
  
And huh, apparently finding a book on wooing his co-worker is a simple matter. In fact, if Martin didn't know any better, he'd swear the book was written just for him.  
  
Smiling, he charges it to his credit card and heads back to work.  
  
~*~  
  
 _Introduction:  
  
Welcome to the Layman's Guide to Seducing Special Agent Danny Taylor. Before beginning, it should be noted that this book deals specifically with Special Agents named Danny Taylor. Neither the author, nor the publicist, can be held accountable for misuse of this book._  
  
  
Martin skips ahead to the first chapter.  
  
  
 _Chapter one: Know your subject.  
  
Like most species, Special Agent Danny Taylors are known for their elusiveness. Careful examination of this species in his natural habit is essential in laying the groundwork for successful seduction.  
  
Key things to look for include:  
  
The Special Agent Danny Taylor's sleeping habits;  
The Special Agent Danny Taylor's eating habits;  
The Special Agent Danny Taylor's recreational habits;  
As well as any quirks and oddities that are unique to the specific specimen of Special Agent Danny Taylor.  
  
Becoming familiar with these items will allow you to learn your subject intimately, thereby increasing the odds of a successful seduction. A chart has been included in the back of the book (page 212), which you can use to record your observations. This process should take several days, but upon completion you will be ready to move on to chapter two: Seducing Special Agent Danny Taylor in Four Stages, Stage One._  
  
Glancing once around the office to ensure he is still alone, Martin flips to the back of the book, finds page 212, tears it out and carefully tucks it into his breast pocket.  
  
~*~  
  
Day 1: Breakfast  
  
\--coffee  
  
\--two sugars  
  
\--one cream  
  
Nodding to himself, Martin tucks the sheet back into his pocket before turning back to his desk, careful observation of Danny already in progress and so far Martin's already learning. He had no idea Danny took two sugars. All this time he's been adding one; it's no wonder Danny's immune to his charms.  
  
~*~  
  
Day 1: Lunch  
  
\--turkey sandwich from deli across the street  
  
\--no tomato  
  
\--mustard  
  
\--white bread  
  
\--bottled water  
  
Tapping his pen against the page, Martin squints and yes…  
  
\--extra lettuce  
  
  
"What is that?" a voice echoes from behind him, Martin turning to find Sam staring over his shoulder and Martin hastily covers the page with both hands.  
  
"Um… nothing," he tries, forcing an innocent expression onto his face.  
  
Sam merely frowns at him and leaves.  
  
Martin releases a breath and goes back to his observation.  
  
Day 1: Activities  
  
\--solitaire on computer  
  
This is going well.  
  
~*~  
  
He has no idea what Danny had for dinner, Martin out of the office with Vivian on a lead and he's checked his book twice now, not finding a single passage on how to handle this particular situation.  
  
As soon as Vivian pulls into the parking garage, the car not even fully stopped, Martin jumps out, dashes toward the elevator, ignoring Vivian's confused shouts in the process.  
  
He finds Jack first, Jack looking slightly exhausted and is that… yes, it is. Pizza on his chin.  
  
"Jack. Did you and Danny order pizza?" Martin asks, Jack looking at him quizzically before nodding.  
  
"What was on it?" Martin questions, leaning forward eagerly and Jack frowns.  
  
"Pepperoni and green peppers, why?" he asks, taking a step back and Martin smiles.  
  
"Perfect," he answers, not waiting for Jack's reply, already pulling out his sheet and rushing toward his desk.  
  
Day 1: Dinner  
  
\--pizza  
  
\--pepperoni  
  
\--green peppers  
  
~*~  
  
"Martin, we're worried about you," Vivian says to him the next morning.  
  
"Very worried," Jack adds, Sam nodding beside him.  
  
"We found your list. We think you might have a problem," Danny joins in, holding out Martin's neatly folded list and he could have sworn he left that tucked under his keyboard last night.  
  
"I… um…"  
  
"Look, Martin, we all know that you're a little obsessive compulsive, but keeping track of the food you eat? It's a little much," Sam tells him, frown worried and Martin curses John Cleese and his stupid, stupid book.  
  
"I'll get some help for that, I promise. Now, can I have my paper back?" Martin asks, fingers trembling as he holds out his hand and Danny hands it back somewhat hesitantly, flinching when Martin tugs it from his grasp.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
~*~  
  
Day 2: Breakfast  
  
\--coffee  
  
\--two sugars  
  
\--one cream  
  
\--blueberry muffin from vending machine  
  
  
He's taken to locking his observations in his drawer when he's not at his desk, this morning's confrontation too close for Martin's comfort. Fortunately no one thought to question how, or why, his eating habits mirrored Danny's.  
  
~*~  
  
This isn't working.  
  
He's pushing into the last half of day two and all he knows now that he didn't know before is that Danny takes two sugars --not one-- in his coffee. Nowhere near enough information to be any use and Martin curses before pulling out his book, thankful for the lull in cases that's left him stuck in the office alone while Sam and Danny clean out the archive room.  
  
 _Chapter two: Seducing Special Agent Danny Taylor in Four Stages, Stage One  
  
Congratulations, you have completed your observation of Special Agent Danny Taylor and are now ready to begin the first stage of seduction.  
  
Stage One: Ensuring Special Agent Danny Taylor knows of your existence.  
  
This stage is perhaps the most crucial of all stages. Seduction can not be accomplished from afar, but rather, the seducer must ensure the seducee knows he is being seduced. Without this stage, the seducer becomes nothing more than a stalker (note: see The Layman's Guide to Stalking Special Agent Danny Taylor if this is your intention).  
  
There are several steps that should be taken in order to ensure Special Agent Danny Taylor knows of your existence. They are as follows:  
  
Step 1:  
  
Wear a name tag. This may seem silly at first, but when orchestrating a successful seduction, it is paramount that the subject knows your name. By wearing a name tag, you will allow the subject to learn your name without having to fumble through a potentially awkward introduction._  
  
Frowning, Martin skips ahead to step two, step one irrelevant and maybe this book wasn't written for him.  
  
  
 _Step 2:  
  
Initiate contact. Once you are certain Special Agent Danny Taylor knows your name, you are now free to initiate contact. Several classics are suggested below:  
  
The Bump Into: Upon spotting Special Agent Danny Taylor, alter your course to ensure a collision. This will allow you to apologize, which serves two functions: first, you will reaffirm your existence and second, you will demonstrate manners, something that is key in any seduction ritual._  
  
And huh, that might just work.  
  
~*~  
  
People are staring at him.  
  
Granted, he has been standing in the hall for well over an hour, patiently waiting for Danny to get off the elevator, which Danny hasn't done because, technically, Martin doesn't know when he's supposed to get back. Soon, he hopes, otherwise he's going to start looking pathetic.  
  
Right on cue the elevator dings, Sam and Danny exiting, faces dusty from their stint in the archive room and Martin starts moving. He has this all planned out, face buried in an old file as he heads toward them and…  
  
"Oof…"  
  
Wrong person.  
  
Shit.  
  
"Sam, sorry, I didn't see you," Martin apologizes, Sam staring at him like he's gone crazy, Danny snickering behind his hand.  
  
This isn't working at all.  
  
~*~  
  
 _Step 2:  
  
Initiate contact. Once you are certain Special Agent Danny Taylor knows your name, you are now free to initiate contact. Several classics are suggested below:  
  
The Bump Into: Upon spotting Special Agent Danny Taylor…_  
  
There is no way he's trying that again.  
  
 _The Damsel in Distress: Special Agent Danny Taylors are known for their chivalry. They are always eager to aid a damsel in distress. Upon spotting Special Agent Danny Taylor, let this trait work to your advantage. There are a number of ways you can accomplish this. Some suggestions include:  
  
Finding a small spider and placing it in your path;  
Burdening yourself with heavy boxes and standing near an unopened door;  
Slashing your tires with a pen knife and looking helpless;  
Fainting, whatever the cause;  
Arranging for a trusted friend to mug you in plain sight._  
  
  
The list goes on.  
  
Martin sighs and settles on number two, the least embarrassing of the suggestions and if this doesn't work, he's taking the book back and asking for a refund.  
  
~*~  
  
Technically, he's the one being chivalrous, offering to carry several boxes for Sam back to the archive room and Martin grunts upon hitting something solid. The door, brilliant, and now all he needs to do is wait for Danny to open it.  
  
And wait, apparently, sweat breaking out on his forehead, Martin panting against the weight in his arms.  
  
"You know, I've heard of showing off, but hurting yourself in the process probably isn't a good idea."  
  
And thank God, Martin was starting to suspect Danny would never show up.  
  
"You know, you could at least get the door," Martin answers, spasm ripple across his back and Danny chuckles.  
  
He opens the door, though, gesturing for Martin to enter, Martin stumbling his way inside, depositing the boxes on the nearest table before arching out the kinks in his back.  
  
"Piece of advice; if you want to impress Sam, you should maybe consider just buying her flowers," Danny tells him before leaving, Martin's retort frozen on his tongue and crap… refund it is.  
  
~*~  
  
"I want to return this book," Martin says, slamming the book down onto the counter and the cashier flinches at the sound.  
  
"Um… I'm sorry, Sir, I think you might have the wrong place," the girl tells him, glancing between him and the book on the counter.  
  
"What are you talking about, I bought this here four days ago," Martin explains and this shouldn't be this difficult. All he wants is his thirty dollars back.  
  
"Sir, we've never carried this book… it doesn't even have a bar code on it," the girl explains, turning the book over to show him.  
  
Martin frowns. Glances around the bookstore. Eyes the shelf he found it on. Frowns again at not finding additional copies.  
  
"Son of a…"  
  
He swears there's a law somewhere that says his life can't be easy.  
  
"Sir, if you don't mind me saying so, you're a good looking guy… you should just… you know, ask him out," the cashier tells him, smiling politely and… actually, that might work.  
  
"Yeah, thanks," Martin tells her, picking up his book and he can ask Danny out. How hard could it be?  
  
~*~  
  
Apparently very hard, Martin trying, and failing, several times to force the words out. He doesn't even want to consider what Danny must think of him now. Tongue tied moron, likely.  
  
And okay, Danny alone at his desk, Martin can do this.  
  
"Um… Danny?"  
  
"Yeah," Danny answers, turning in his chair, glancing up, expression curious and Martin resists the urge to pant.  
  
"Um… I was just wondering… that is… if you're not busy… I thought maybe we could… um… go out some time?"  
  
And there. It's out. He said it. And Danny's staring at him. Smirking. And, oh God.  
  
"You skipping chapters, Martin? Because I could have sworn you were on stage one, and I don't think you're allowed to ask me out until stage four," Danny answers, smirk becoming a full grin now and…  
  
"What?"  
  
Danny arches an eyebrow. Looks.  
  
"You… I… What?" Martin tries again.  
  
"Relax, Martin. And, yes," Danny answers, pushing himself off the chair, stepping into Martin's space and Martin's breath catches.  
  
"You knew… did you… wait, yes?"  
  
And Martin's doing really well with complete sentences today.  
  
Apparently, though, Danny doesn't seem to mind, Danny chuckling before inching even closer, lips hovering near Martin's ear and Martin struggles to remember what they were just talking about.  
  
"Yes," Danny whispers, Martin's brain shutting down and it's official, Martin's going to have to write John Cleese a thank you letter.


End file.
